In the Matter of this "Battle of the Techs"...
Talk of tonight's "Battle of the Techs"
got me thinking. I've concluded that the comparison is far-fetched at best, and
frankly somewhat insulting. A few things to remember during tonight's clash....
- In Biomedical Engineering, the Georgia Institute of Technology's
is ranked #2
nationwide. Virginia Polytechnic Institute
and State University does not offer
an undergraduate degree in Biomedical Engineering. They do, however, offer a fine program in
"Dairy Science". Governor Bob McDonnell was heard to defend the program with quote,
"cow's biomedical. milk's biomedical. when you're drinkin' it, that's
- The Georgia Institute of Technology
is ranked #36 overall among the nation's
undergraduate universities. Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University
despite costing their in-state students approximately 20% more per year.
- VPISU offers degree programs in English, French, German and Spanish. The
Georgia Institute of Technology recognizes these as purely entertaining pursuits,
less important than snowflakes. The only communication which requires a degree
is had via hard equations and occasional soft hand-waving.
- VPISU offers degrees in Studio Art and Film/Cinema. The Georgia Institute of
Technology recognizes the critical role Studio Art plays in campus intellectual
life, so long as that campus is Georgia State University.
Furthermore, who wants a Studio Art degree from a tech school? "I want to
focus on my painting, but also do EMag labs?" Dubious!
- In 2006, the IAU demoted Pluto from "planet" to "dwarf planet", largely due
to its failure to "sweep out (establish gravitational authority within) its own
orbit". Virginia Polytechnic has likewise failed to "sweep out" its own state's
public university system, with University of Virginia sitting at #25. The
Georgia Institute of Technology has meanwhile established firm control of the
Empire State of the South, outrecruiting in the critical literacy- and
numeracy-rich North Atlanta breadbaskets. The University [sic] of Georgia flies
the washed-out banner of mediocrity alongside VPI at a laughable #62, stepped
upon with a hobnailed boot of inquisitive fervor and sheer neurochemical horsepower.
(Haters will observe that Emory is ranked #20. They will also observe an
asterisk, which LOL. They will observe that unbelievably spoiled Asian
law/medicine students and anorexic East Cobb undergraduates do not a student
body make, no matter how high their SATs. They will observe that this goes
double when your high SATs are asterisked, and your $41,164 per annum school
is being mistaken for Life College. Anyway, I said public systems. Private schools
are comets in this increasingly shitty metaphor.)
I hereby petition that VPISU go by the name "Dwarf Tech".
- The yellow jacket is known for its elaborate structure-building, ability to
set up working facilities in almost any conditions, and low-overhead,
colony-wide communication based off pheromones and "waggling(*)". The Hokie,
in an affront to linguistically deficient Aspergerwarriors everywhere, is some
kind of nonsensical over-Anglicized hogwash that in American English
translates as "hooray". I am not making this shit up, and I have mistaken VPISU
for neither the Mount Holyoke Young Poets and Feminist Student Union nor Tony
Blair. The Hokies are likely unique in having an ejaculation for a nickname.
Due to (wholly credible) logistical challenges involved in acquiring wearable
foam representations of a spirit yell (which surely any real engineer would
have realized a serious design flaw at this point), VPISU's mascot is the "HokieBird", an erroneous turkey-thing
(cref aforementioned lack of serious BMedEng talent). From
this we can draw two lessons: (1) VPISU programmers probably use MixedCase for
(2) VPISU chose of their own free will a mascot known for being outwitted by
Christians. None of this gets me excited about driving on a VT-designed bridge,
though I'm sure it's great at cockstuffing punts.
I hereby petition that the nickname "VPISU Powhatans" be adopted, in solidarity
with another native Virginian species conquered by a bunch of superstitious
European riffraff lacking basic cellular technology, combustion engines, or working
knowledge of even single-variable differential calculus.
(*) If you don't like our loose waggles, refer to it as "a form of vespular
locomotion, study of which forms the basis of the 1973 Nobel Prize in Physiology
or Medicine." It's all good.
- While both Georgia Tech and Virginia Polytechnic have had students go
berzerk in the past decade, only at Georgia Tech do we think that's a pretty
good ten years in terms of freakouts. While on the subject of student
homicides, the sword used at the School of Aerospace Engineering was clearly
the geekier (if admittedly less efficient) weapon. Here as in so many things,
GT engineers felt that "it must be beautiful."
- Zero Nobel Laureates have attended or been employed by VPISU, or are in any case
willing to admit as much. Two Laureates are affiliated with Georgia Tech, and
only one of them is history's greatest monster. Dr. Kary Mullis, on the other
hand, invented the polymerase chain reduction ubiquitous in biochemistry while
out of his mind on strong psychedelics.
- VPISU astronauts: 2. GT astronauts: 14. Learn how to drive, VT!
- A GT architect was selected for the WTC Memorial. The tallest building in
Blacksburg, VA is "Slusher Tower", a female dormitory. At 12 stories, it comes
about a third of the way up to this Yellow Jacket's humble domicile. VT
architects were rumoured to be discussing Suprematism and the faktura-tektonika
duality in downtown Blacksburg's "Poor Billy's BBQ" (seen below).
- A quick note on graduate programs: the Georgia Institute of Technology is
the nation's #4 graduate engineering school overall. Virginia Polytechnic is
#24. This places them three spots behind UCSB, which last I checked awards an
undergraduate degree in surfing.
- Graduate CS: GT #10, VT unranked
- Graduate CmpE: GT #6, VT unranked
- Graduate CivE: GT #3, VT #8
- Graduate MechE: GT #6, VT unranked
- Graduate AeroE: GT #4, VT unranked
- Graduate BmE: GT #2, VT unranked
- Graduate ChemE: GT #10, VT unranked
- Graduate EE: GT #5, VT unranked
- Graduate EnvE: GT #6, VT #7
- Graduate IE: GT #1, VT #3
- Graduate MatE: GT #7, VT unranked
- Graduate NucE: GT #5, VT unranked
I know which program I'd choose, if I had to choose again.
- VPISU's Bradley Nanofabrication Lab provides 1,900 sq. ft. of ISO-7 level
cleanroom. GT's Fortress of Nanotechnology boasts 30,000 sq. ft, and is housed
in a building which could hold most of downtown Blacksburg. Being uninterested
in trading our photolithography facilities for sauced meats, this conjecture is
unlikely to be tested in the near future.
- "Beamerball" features the blocking of extra points as a major component,
which was annoying back in Tecmo Bowl and remains annoying now. Fuck that shit.
- The Georgia Institute of Technology is the #5 undergraduate engineering
program in the nation (among schools offering graduate degrees or at least
being named after states rather than mysterious hyphenated entities, now sit
down Rose-Hulman and Harvey Mudd). Among schools competing in Division I
football (thanks for showing up, MIT and Cal Tech), the Georgia Institute of
Technology's undergraduate engineering program is #3.
Among such schools with "Tech" in the name, it is #1, because we are the
real scientists in this relationship and we both know it, bitches.
Repeated attempts to locate the Virginia Polytechnic Institute among rankings
met with failure. Further efforts have been called off since the last search
party transmitted a bizarre message back to Command HQ:
"Oh my God.....it's full of stars!"
GO JACKETS! BEAT THE HOKIES! SCIENCE!
Nick Black, BSCS '05 MSCS '10
Peachtree St. NE, 2012-09-03