View source for Questions cheerfully answered

'''[[Dankblog|dankblog!]] 2024-07-02, 0615 EDT, at [[Viewpoint|the danktower]]'''

largely due to this wiki, i receive mails from random people more often than one might otherwise expect. i always attempt to answer, though not always usefully, nor with necessarily the most friendly tone. this evening i opened [[Mutt]] to the short missive:

<pre>
Date: Thu, 1 Aug 2024 22:16:09 -0700                                                                                                
From: *********** Gao <****************@ucsd.edu>                                                                                                      
To: "nickblack@linux.com" <nickblack@linux.com>                                                                                     
Subject: Fall 2010                                                                                                                  
                                                                                                                                    
What happened???       
</pre>

i replied with haste:

<pre>
Date: Fri, 2 Aug 2024 01:35:36 -0400                                                                                                
From: "nickblack@linux.com" <nickblack@linux.com>                                                                                   
To: *********** Gao <****************@ucsd.edu>                                                                                                      
Subject: Re: Fall 2010                                                                                                              
                                                                                                                                    
****************** Gao left as an exercise for the reader:                                                                                         
> What happened???                                                                                                                  
                                                                                                                                    
i shocked international observers by fucking your mother in both                                                                    
china and taiwan! do i know you? apologies if i do.                                                                                 
                                                                                                           
--                                                                                                                                  
nick black -=- https://nick-black.com                                                                                               
to make an apple pie from scratch,                                                                                                  
you need first invent a universe.   
</pre>

i wasn't sure whether this would prompt a response or not, but the wings of ESMTP beat with alacrity, and almost immediately:

<pre>
Date: Thu, 1 Aug 2024 22:41:27 -0700                                                                                                
From: *********** Gao <****************@ucsd.edu>                                                                                                      
To: "nickblack@linux.com" <nickblack@linux.com>                                                                                     
Subject: Re: Fall 2010                                                                                                              
                                                                                                                                    
so you're my deadbeat dad.                                                                                                          
i've come to claim my inheritance.                                                                                                  
but you can send remittance in the form of guaranteed grant funding after                                                           
you answer a more important question.                                                                                               
why your phd plans fell through.                                                                                                                               
</pre>

this seemed a gameful rejoinder; let no one deny that i love my children.

<pre>
Date: Fri, 2 Aug 2024 05:33:57 -0400                                                                                                
From: "nickblack@linux.com" <nickblack@linux.com>                                                                                   
To: *********** Gao <****************@ucsd.edu>                                                                                                      
Subject: Re: Fall 2010                                                                                                              
                                                                                                                                    
*************** Gao left as an exercise for the reader:                                                                                         
> so you're my deadbeat dad.                                                                                                        
> i've come to claim my inheritance.                                                                                                
> but you can send remittance in the form of guaranteed grant funding after                                                         
> you answer a more important question.                                                                                             
> why your phd plans fell through.                                                                                                  
                                                                                                                                    
oh! combination of factors:                                                                                                         
                                                                                                                                    
 - i was funding it myself, which i decided was stupid. applying                                                                    
   for fellowships wouldn't have effect until the next fall.                                                                        
 - i realized i was uninterested at 30 years of age in being                                                                        
   treated like a 21 year old by an old tenured prof accustomed                                                                     
   to slave labor.                                                                                                                  
 - i realized no job i wanted required a phd.                                                                                       
 - i dated all the hot girls in the program within two semesters.                                                                   
 - i have a great appreciation for money, and my money flows                                                                        
   went into reverse while doing the phd.                                                                                           
 - i make enough money for my employers that i can show up                                                                          
   stoned out of my gourd muttering about value                                                                                     
   rematerialization and congestion control or saying like                                                                                                                
  WANNA KNOW SOMETHING I LOVE KIDS I REALLY DO. ONE GAVE ME A                                                                       
  CIGARETTE LAST NIGHT BECAUSE HE WAS AS COOL AS THE TASTE OF A                                                                     
  MENTHOL IT WAS THIS KILLER MAN VERSUS HOG FIGHT IN CHARLESTON                                                                     
  AND HIS NAME WAS TOMMY AND I SAID LIKE BOWDEN AND HE GOES LOL                                                                     
  NO I HAVE NUTS AND A GUN AND THEN HE ASKED FOR EVERYONE'S                                                                         
  MONEY. WE WERE REALLY COOL UP UNTIL THAT PART BUT THAT'S                                                                          
  MAN-HOG FIGHTING FOR YOU. HOPE WE CAN HANG AGAIN SOMETIME SOON                                                                    
  TOMMY EXCEPT FOR THE ROBBERY IT WAS REAL CHILL. DON'T EVER                                                                        
  SMOKE THOUGH. IT'S A TERRIBLE HABIT AND LEADS TO OTHERS OMG DO                                                                    
  I SMELL POPCORN I HAVEN'T EATEN FOR THREE DAYS YOU JUST KIND                                                                      
  OF FORGET KID SOMETIMES BECAUSE YOU PARTY ROCK AND PARTY ROCK                                                                     
  AND SOMETIMES YOU PARTY ROCK YOURSELF INTO THE NEXT WEEK AND                                                                      
  THEN YOU WAKE UP IN SIERRA LEONE AND YOU'RE LIKE "HEY WHERE AM                                                                    
  I" AND SOMEONE'S LIKE "LOL SIERRA LEONE" AND YOU GO "SHE                                                                          
  SOUNDS PRETTY" BUT SHE'S NOT AND SHE'S FILLED WITH DUDES IN                                                                       
  WEDDING DRESSES AND AK-47S AND YOU'RE LIKE THIS IS THE WORST                                                                      
  WEDDING EVER AND SOME CHINESE GUY JUST HANGING OUT I MEAN                                                                         
  SERIOUSLY WHO HANGS OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF WEST AFRICA                                                                              
  HELLHOLEISTAN WELL HE JUST WANTS TO TURN YOUR PENIS INTO BONER                                                                    
  POWDER TO SELL TO CHINESE DUDES--                                                                                                 
  and so long as i don't run into any executives, they tolerate                                                                     
  it. this kind of thing didn't fly in the Experimental                                                                             
  Computing Hierarchies Lab.                              
                                                                                                                                    
 - my group partners and advisor knew their field very well, and                                                                    
   not a goddamn thing otherwise. they made me sad.                                                                                 
 - your mom ended up giving me the degree in exchange for                                                                           
   penetrating her iron-scented labia of rusted steel and                                                                           
   shifting her womb three klicks down the yangtze, eventually                                                                      
   resulting in your birth. she always said i had a PhD, meaning                                                                    
   a pretty huge dick.                                                                                                              
                                                                                                                                    
hack on, boy! don't come looking for love or money. prepare for                                                                     
enumerated insults regarding UCSD:                                                                                                  
                                                                                                                                    
 1) who the hell goes to school with Angela Davis?                                                                                  
 2) your team is the tritons but apparently you are not tritium                                                                     
 3) your mascot is King Triton, who is greek despite 99.9% of                                                                       
    your student body being asian                                                                                                   
 4) you have both "UCSD Navy" and "Blue" as colors, wtf                                                                             
 5) most of your faculty is actually sea lions                                                                                      
 6) warren bear is clearly homosexual. i have no problem with                                                                       
    homosexuality but i don't like it in my bears.                                                                                  
 7) you stopped naming things after Eleanor Roosevelt College                                                                       
    and just went with "sixth", "seventh", and "eighth". one                                                                        
    day you will need one in the middle and have to call it                                                                         
    "seven point fifth"                                                                                                             
 8) eleanor roosevelt is like the ugliest person you could name                                                                     
    a college after                                                                                                                 
 9) it is yet another place where i possessed your mother in                                                                       
    all the ways a man can have a woman                                                                                       
10) also some bear ways

anyway i hear Mrs. Gao cooing for me from our Xìng'ài shì. i
sometimes call her the Government Accounting Office because she
takes whatever i put inside her and inevitably returns with
a sensible and well-organized report. she calls deez nuts the
Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Spheres, which i find particularly
appealing because i am in fact Samoan and not a sandal-wearing
goldfish tender.

i hope this has been a useful exchange! i would say that i love
you, son, but i looked at your Github and you're no son of mine.
</pre>

'''previously: "[[Three_recent_physical_projects|three recent physical projects]]" 2024-06-22'''

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