Joe Paterno Meets Fergie

from Black Heart Gold Pants 2008-02-05

In the Gridiron Bash promotion that's bringing Kelly Clarkson to Iowa, Penn State will be graced with Fergie's presence. One commenter pondered what would happen if Joe Paterno were ever to meet her. We, too, pondered. Enjoy.

Good morning, Joe! There's someone I think you should meet.

 WHAT

 Well, as part of our Grid Iron Bash, we're hosting a concert at Beaver Stadium! Isn't that something!

 I HOPE IT'S DOROTHY HORNBAKER, HER DULCET TONES SOOTHED ME DURING THE GREAT DEPRESSION

 Sir, you're not nearly old enough to have remem

 YES 1966 WAS VERY DEPRESSING

 Anyway. We're having Fergie perform at Beaver Stadium the night before the game!

 FERGIE?

 Yes, the kids love her!

 I NEVER THOUGHT THE DUCHESS OF YORK WOULD HAVE A CULTURAL RENAISSANCE ON ACCOUNT OF HER OLD AGE AND HORSELIKE APPEARANCE

 Ha, ha! No, not her! There's a different Fergie. She's with a band called the Black Eyed Peas

 DISGUSTING, AT BEST THE NINTH TASTIEST LEGUME AVAILABLE

 ...and she's also a very accomplished solo artist as well. She should be here at any moment.

I NEVER DID TRUST THE BRITISH, AND YOU'D BE A FOOL TO DO SO YOURSELF

 Sir. Not the same "Fergie."

 BACK IN 1973, OUR TAILBACK WAS A HORSE OF A KID, JOHN CAPPELLETTI. FIRST TIME I EVER SAW A HEISMAN WINNER WITH THREE PAIRS OF DOUBLED LETTERS IN HIS NAME. BEFORE THE AIR FORCE GAME, CAPPO COMES UP TO ME AND SAYS, 'COACH, I CAN'T PLAY THIS WEEKEND,' AND I ASK HIM, WELL WHY NOT, AND HE TELLS ME HE'S GOT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE HIS DAD'S BEEN IN A FACTORY ACCIDENT AND A PIECE OF SHEET METAL HAD RUN THROUGH HIS LOWER TORSO. WELL, I FIGURE THOSE AIR FORCE CANDYASSES HAD PLAYED A TRICK ON HIM. SO I DO WHAT ANY SANE COACH WOULD DO AND HAVE MY ASSISTANT COACHES HIRE SOME DELINQUENTS. NEVER DO DIRECT BUSINESS WITH A CRIMINAL, I SAY. SO THEY SNEAK ONTO THE BASE AND PLANT EXPLOS

 Coach, if I may interrupt

 LONG STORY SHORT WE ARE NOW NO LONGER IN GOOD DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS WITH BOLIVIA

(keep reading...)

 Coach, Fergie's here.

 WONDERFUL, BRING THIS WOMAN IN

 Hello, Mr. Paterno.

 GOOD HEAVENS A PROSTITUTE

 Ha, ha, ha! You're funny!

 ARE YOU HERE TO COPULATE WITH SEAN LEE

 No, I'm Fergie!

 HE LOVES PROSTITUTES LIKE YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE

 Coach! She's just here to meet you while we finalize the deal for her to sing at Happy Valley! She is not a prostitute!

 WHY THEN GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO PENN STATE FOOTBALL

 Thank you, it's a pleasu

 YOU WILL BE PLAYING CORNERBACK

 I... I'm sorry?

 THAT WAS A JOKE YOUNG LADY, WOMEN HAVEN'T GOT A PLACE ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD

 Anyway. I'm very excited to be on stage at Happy Valley! I've never performed in front of over 100,000 fans!

 I ONCE PERFORMED IN FRONT OF A LARGE CROWD. IT WAS 1986, AND WE WERE UP AGAINST THE MIAMI HURRICANES FOR THE TITLE. NUMBER ONE VERSUS NUMBER TWO! WE WERE CLINGING TO A 14-10 LEAD LATE, AND WE KNOCKED A PASS AWAY IN THE END ZONE ON FOURTH DOWN. BALL GAME, NITTANY LIONS! AFTER I RIPPED OUT A HANDFUL OF JIMMY JOHNSON'S HAIR, I GRABBED MY WIFE FROM THE STANDS AND MADE VIOLENT LOVE TO HER, RIGHT THERE ON THE FIFTY YARD LINE. SURE ENOUGH, FOUR MONTHS LATER, SHE GIVES BIRTH TO DERRICK WILLIAMS, THE NUMBER ONE RECRUIT IN THE NATION

  Um... four months?

 I PLACED MY WIFE IN THE TRUNK OF MY CAR AND DROVE ON GRAVEL ROADS FOR AN HOUR A DAY. THE VIBRATIONS CAN SPEED UP THE PREGNANCY BY ALMOST 300%

 Anyway. I hope you're able to come to the show. It's a huge production, we've got dancers, pyrotechnics, an outstanding light show, it's awesome. You'd love it.

 THERE'S TWO THINGS I LOVE, MISSY, AND THAT'S FOOTBALL AND A STIFF WHISKEY AND GINGER ALE. I DON'T CARE MUCH FOR THE DANCING AND PRANCING

 Well, do you remember James Bond?

 I KNEW YOU WERE IN CAHOOTS WITH THE UNTRUSTWORTHY BRITISH

 No, I covered "Live And Let Die" for CBS! Take a look:

What do you think?

 ...

 ...

 ...

 HOLY LORD GOD I DID NOT KNOW MANKIND WAS CAPABLE OF SUCH UTTER CRAP

 What?!

 THAT WAS WORSE THAN MY LAST BOWEL MOVEMENT

 Hey, that's not ver

 WHICH LOOKED AND SMELLED LIKE A DECOMPOSING RACCOON

 Fine. Forget it. You're hopeless. This is worse than what they told me to expect

 WHAT IS THAT

 That... that you're a zombie and you'd try to feast on my brains.

 "FEAST ON YOUR BRAINS?" WHY THAT'S JUST PLAIN RIDICULOUS

 I know, but they were insistent that you've been dead since 1998 and

 YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH GRAY MATTER TO FEED A HORSEFLY

 Ugh. I knew this was a mistake. Are you insecure because of my good looks and singing ability?

 LISTEN YOU TRANSVESTITE, THOSE LIPS LOOK GOOD FOR DOING ONE THING, AND IT'S NOT SINGING

 I'm leaving.

 WAIT, BEFORE YOU GO

Say it, you old sack of shit.

 DO YOU KNOW DARRYL PRYOR

What? Who? No.

 OH BUTTWHISTLES

Part 2

F

 E

 R

 G

 A

Sir.

 L

 I

 SIR!

 WHAT

 You're singing again.

 OH GOD DAMN IT. I TOLD YOU NOT TO MAKE ME LISTEN TO ANY OF THAT SHE-MAN PROSTITUTE'S MUSIC

 Well, her songs are awfully catchy. That's part of the appeal. But I must finish this report or whatever it is secretaries do.

 PLEASE DO

 Thank you.

 (typing quietly)

 (staring off into space)

 (secretarying)

 F

 E

 R

Part 3

SO I SAID FINE, WE'LL DRIVE OUR WIDE RECEIVERS OUT TO THE FOOTHILLS AND STRAND THEM, AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE DID

 Uh huh.

 WE NEVER DID SEE TERRY SMITH AGAIN

 Sir, if you don't mind, I have to fini

 BUT THAT WAS NOT THE WORST EXPERIENCE WITH A RECRUIT I HAD

 sigh

 WHEN WE WERE RECRUITING DJ DOZIER BACK IN 1984, HE INFORMED ME THAT HE HAD A TERRIBLE CASE OF TURF'S TOE, AND WALKING WAS PAINFUL. I WAS DETERMINED TO GET HIM ON CAMPUS BECAUSE HE WAS A TERRIFIC ATHLETE AND A TERRIFIC YOUNG MAN. SO AS SOON AS HIS MOTHER'S CAR PULLED UP, I OPENED THE DOOR FOR HIM AND PUT HIM ON MY BACK, AND HE RODE ME DURING HIS ENTIRE 48 HOURS ON CAMPUS

 Sir, that's ludicr

 USING THE LAVATORY AND SLEEPING WERE TERRIFIC CHALLENGES BUT WE MANAGED

 I'm sure you did. May I finish this report? We need to get it sent to the AD's office by tomorrow.

 BY ALL MEANS, I WILL BE WATCHING GAME TAPE IN MY OFFICE

 Thank you.

(several minutes later)

 THEY ARE FUMBLING ALL OVER THE PLACE

 (knocks, opens door slightly) Coach? I don't mean to interrupt your "film session," but there's something you need to know.

 THIS IS THE WORST OFFENSIVE LINE IN YEARS

 For one, you're watching basketball. And it's in fast forward.

 I NEVER DID UNDERSTAND TECHNOLOGY

(JOE PATERNO SAYS KEEP READING...)

 Anyway. I was right. Pay up.

 THIS IS A DEEP FRIED BULLSHIT PATTY BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF LIES

 Yep. Twenty bucks. I knew it.

 THIS DOES NOT PROVE A DAMNED THING. I AM SURE HE JUST ATE TOO MANY FIESTA NACHOS

 No way. You lose, Mr. Paterno! Admit it!

 JIMINY CHRIST, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE

 Is everything okay?

 JAY WHAT IN THE DEVIL'S CLEAVAGE BRINGS YOU TO MY WORKPLACE

 Other than the fact that I'm the quarterbacks coach?

 THAT WAS SUCH A HORRIBLE IDEA

 I'm glad you're here. Jay, would you mind explaining to your father exactly what this article says?

 Hmm. Oh yeah, Fergie's pregnant, dad. Totally knocked up. Probably twins.

 Pay up.

 THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE

 Dad, how would that be impossible? Did you bet that she'd... what, never be a mom or something?

 Not quite.

 TWENTY DOLLARS SAID THAT THING HAS A PENIS AND NO DISTENDED BELLY IS GOING TO TELL ME OTHERWISE

 Oh god. Yeah dad, she's a chick, and she's definitely pregnant.

 What do you mean definitely? I mean, the article says that she said it's not true and her publi

 Well for one, she told me a couple days ago.

 She... what?

 WHAT, YOU SPOKE TO THE HE-MEDUSA AND YOU WEREN'T TURNED INTO A TERROR-WROUGHT STATUE

  Oh, something like that.

 Uh oh.

 (grins)

 SON, IF YOU SAY WHAT I THINK YOU'RE ABOUT TO SAY, IT WILL PROBABLY MAKE MY HEAD EXPLODE

 Heh heh heh.

 THIS IS WORSE THAN WHEN KI-JANA CARTER STOLE THE PRESIDENT'S LIMOUSINE AND DROVE IT INTO LAKE ERIE, AS GOD AS MY WITNESS I THOUGHT LIMOUSINES COULD FLOAT

 You did all the hard work for me, Dad. After you told her she had a penis

 SHE DOES

 ...she came into my office very upset and needing to be comforted. So I "comforted" her.

 I may be sick.

 Five minutes of sweet-talking, and it was Spread HD, baby! Whooooo! Right there on the desk!

 WAS SHE CIRCUMCISED

 Dad, she's a woman! She is ALL woman! Yeah!

 SO YOU PROVIDE ME WITH A GRANDCHILD AND IT IS WITH A TRANSVESTITE

 For the last time. She's a chick. Guys don't have ovaries or a uterus or pert brea

 I HOPE YOU ENJOY RAISING A CHILD WITH A GIANT UNCUT JOHNSON STICKING RIGHT OUT OF ITS FOREHEAD