In the Matter of this "Battle of the Techs"...

Talk of tonight's "Battle of the Techs" got me thinking. I've concluded that the comparison is far-fetched at best, and frankly somewhat insulting. A few things to remember during tonight's clash....
  1. In Biomedical Engineering, the Georgia Institute of Technology's undergraduate program is ranked #2 nationwide. Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University does not offer an undergraduate degree in Biomedical Engineering. They do, however, offer a fine program in "Dairy Science". Governor Bob McDonnell was heard to defend the program with quote, "cow's biomedical. milk's biomedical. when you're drinkin' it, that's biomedical" endquote.

  2. The Georgia Institute of Technology is ranked #36 overall among the nation's undergraduate universities. Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University is #71, despite costing their in-state students approximately 20% more per year.

  3. VPISU offers degree programs in English, French, German and Spanish. The Georgia Institute of Technology recognizes these as purely entertaining pursuits, less important than snowflakes. The only communication which requires a degree is had via hard equations and occasional soft hand-waving.

  4. VPISU offers degrees in Studio Art and Film/Cinema. The Georgia Institute of Technology recognizes the critical role Studio Art plays in campus intellectual life, so long as that campus is Georgia State University.

    Furthermore, who wants a Studio Art degree from a tech school? "I want to focus on my painting, but also do EMag labs?" Dubious!

  5. In 2006, the IAU demoted Pluto from "planet" to "dwarf planet", largely due to its failure to "sweep out (establish gravitational authority within) its own orbit". Virginia Polytechnic has likewise failed to "sweep out" its own state's public university system, with University of Virginia sitting at #25. The Georgia Institute of Technology has meanwhile established firm control of the Empire State of the South, outrecruiting in the critical literacy- and numeracy-rich North Atlanta breadbaskets. The University [sic] of Georgia flies the washed-out banner of mediocrity alongside VPI at a laughable #62, stepped upon with a hobnailed boot of inquisitive fervor and sheer neurochemical horsepower.

    (Haters will observe that Emory is ranked #20. They will also observe an asterisk, which LOL. They will observe that unbelievably spoiled Asian law/medicine students and anorexic East Cobb undergraduates do not a student body make, no matter how high their SATs. They will observe that this goes double when your high SATs are asterisked, and your $41,164 per annum school is being mistaken for Life College. Anyway, I said public systems. Private schools are comets in this increasingly shitty metaphor.)

    I hereby petition that VPISU go by the name "Dwarf Tech".

  6. The yellow jacket is known for its elaborate structure-building, ability to set up working facilities in almost any conditions, and low-overhead, colony-wide communication based off pheromones and "waggling(*)". The Hokie, in an affront to linguistically deficient Aspergerwarriors everywhere, is some kind of nonsensical over-Anglicized hogwash that in American English translates as "hooray". I am not making this shit up, and I have mistaken VPISU for neither the Mount Holyoke Young Poets and Feminist Student Union nor Tony Blair. The Hokies are likely unique in having an ejaculation for a nickname.

    Due to (wholly credible) logistical challenges involved in acquiring wearable foam representations of a spirit yell (which surely any real engineer would have realized a serious design flaw at this point), VPISU's mascot is the "HokieBird", an erroneous turkey-thing (cref aforementioned lack of serious BMedEng talent). From this we can draw two lessons: (1) VPISU programmers probably use MixedCase for identifiers, and (2) VPISU chose of their own free will a mascot known for being outwitted by Christians. None of this gets me excited about driving on a VT-designed bridge, though I'm sure it's great at cockstuffing punts.

    I hereby petition that the nickname "VPISU Powhatans" be adopted, in solidarity with another native Virginian species conquered by a bunch of superstitious European riffraff lacking basic cellular technology, combustion engines, or working knowledge of even single-variable differential calculus.

    (*) If you don't like our loose waggles, refer to it as "a form of vespular locomotion, study of which forms the basis of the 1973 Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine." It's all good.

  7. While both Georgia Tech and Virginia Polytechnic have had students go berzerk in the past decade, only at Georgia Tech do we think that's a pretty good ten years in terms of freakouts. While on the subject of student homicides, the sword used at the School of Aerospace Engineering was clearly the geekier (if admittedly less efficient) weapon. Here as in so many things, GT engineers felt that "it must be beautiful."

  8. Zero Nobel Laureates have attended or been employed by VPISU, or are in any case willing to admit as much. Two Laureates are affiliated with Georgia Tech, and only one of them is history's greatest monster. Dr. Kary Mullis, on the other hand, invented the polymerase chain reduction ubiquitous in biochemistry while out of his mind on strong psychedelics.

  9. VPISU astronauts: 2. GT astronauts: 14. Learn how to drive, VT!

  10. A GT architect was selected for the WTC Memorial. The tallest building in Blacksburg, VA is "Slusher Tower", a female dormitory. At 12 stories, it comes about a third of the way up to this Yellow Jacket's humble domicile. VT architects were rumoured to be discussing Suprematism and the faktura-tektonika duality in downtown Blacksburg's "Poor Billy's BBQ" (seen below).


  11. A quick note on graduate programs: the Georgia Institute of Technology is the nation's #4 graduate engineering school overall. Virginia Polytechnic is #24. This places them three spots behind UCSB, which last I checked awards an undergraduate degree in surfing.

    • Graduate CS: GT #10, VT unranked

    • Graduate CmpE: GT #6, VT unranked

    • Graduate CivE: GT #3, VT #8

    • Graduate MechE: GT #6, VT unranked

    • Graduate AeroE: GT #4, VT unranked

    • Graduate BmE: GT #2, VT unranked

    • Graduate ChemE: GT #10, VT unranked

    • Graduate EE: GT #5, VT unranked

    • Graduate EnvE: GT #6, VT #7

    • Graduate IE: GT #1, VT #3

    • Graduate MatE: GT #7, VT unranked

    • Graduate NucE: GT #5, VT unranked

    I know which program I'd choose, if I had to choose again.

  12. VPISU's Bradley Nanofabrication Lab provides 1,900 sq. ft. of ISO-7 level cleanroom. GT's Fortress of Nanotechnology boasts 30,000 sq. ft, and is housed in a building which could hold most of downtown Blacksburg. Being uninterested in trading our photolithography facilities for sauced meats, this conjecture is unlikely to be tested in the near future.

  13. "Beamerball" features the blocking of extra points as a major component, which was annoying back in Tecmo Bowl and remains annoying now. Fuck that shit.

  14. The Georgia Institute of Technology is the #5 undergraduate engineering program in the nation (among schools offering graduate degrees or at least being named after states rather than mysterious hyphenated entities, now sit down Rose-Hulman and Harvey Mudd). Among schools competing in Division I football (thanks for showing up, MIT and Cal Tech), the Georgia Institute of Technology's undergraduate engineering program is #3.

    Among such schools with "Tech" in the name, it is #1, because we are the real scientists in this relationship and we both know it, bitches.

    Repeated attempts to locate the Virginia Polytechnic Institute among rankings met with failure. Further efforts have been called off since the last search party transmitted a bizarre message back to Command HQ:

    "Oh my's full of stars!"


Nick Black
BSCS/BSMath '05
855 Peachtree St. NE, 2012-09-03